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| Either activity would have been more entertaining. |
BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE
I think three things happened.
1. The movie mixed the U.S./Soviet space race into the Transformers' fiction. My life isn't any better for it, but it was done relatively well.
2. Of course a girl's ass is involved. When your cast can't act, you need to resort to a little sex.
3. Optimus Prime, explaining how his war is over (I guess the decepticons, or the bad robots, were defeated in the prior movie. I can't remember because I fell asleep.), goes on to describe how the autobots are helping the humans maintain peace. And by maintain peace, he means that the robots roll into Arab countries and destroy military bases.
THE MIDDLISH PART OF THE MOVIE
Okay, the middlish part was extremely confusing because the director, Michael Bay, could never decide if he wanted the audience to feel a.) sad/emotional; b.) excited about military porn; or c.) amused by slapstick comedy. In one such instance, there's a character who is very clearly written to be funny. He continues acting funny all the way through the scene where he is thrown out a window and presumably smashed against the concrete below. This wouldn't be so weird, except a kid in the theater laughed a very prolonged laugh about the whole situation. It was quite disturbing and awkward.
Here's some other stuff that happened:
1. For some reason Megatron wears a cloak. He's a robot. What the hell is going on?
2. So, the villains spend most of the movie trying to create some kind of teleport system to get a bunch of bad robots to earth. Upon completion of this, a bunch of the bad robots come out from under the moon's surface. This made absolutely no sense. Why are they in the moon? Do robots grow in the moon? Also, a lot of the robots can fly, so what was the point of the teleport system?
3. A noticeable absence of robot fighting. :(
4. Okay, okay, okay. Megatron and the beard robot are in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Megatron, who basically has not done a single thing for the majority of the movie, shoots Lincoln and sits on the chair. My jaw dropped, my eyes bulged, and a gaping hole was left in the place where my mind takes in the movie's plot. I guess the decepticons have a deep understanding of American symbolism.
5. Umm, I guess there are animal transformers now, a snake and a bird. There's probably a fish, but we never go underwater. I don't approve. I am not 7 years old and this is not Beast Wars.
THE END (?)
Optimus Prime declares how much he loves freedom. The funny part is he says this as Chicago is burning, he just murdered two robots, and he still doesn't have a home. Frankly Optimus, your version of freedom sucks.
The best character in the film was Megatron. First, he doesn't say very much. This is good because every line of dialogue in the movie is terrible. Second, he is the only consistent character. He's evil. That's it. He's no deeper than that, but he fucking sticks to that principle like a champ. Bravo Megatron.
The worst character was Shia LaBeouf for the reason iterated above: he speaks the most. And as far as I can tell, his motivation is somewhere between saving the world and finding a job. On occasion, he also strives to be a dedicated boyfriend as well as a solider. I'm not really sure what is going on, but a majority of his time is spent being a little whiner. Boo.
SCORE: Not only would I never watch this movie again, but I have also vowed that in two years I will not be tricked into going to another one of these shitty films.
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